tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-61434092011-04-21T17:58:32.285-07:00Need advice? Ask Ethylene, wholesome, homespun girl from America's heartland, and arbiter of taste.Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comBlogger561100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1097246775326888272004-10-08T07:29:00.000-07:002004-10-08T07:47:34.633-07:00

Dear Ethylene, What will you do if Bush loses the election? My husband says that if this country is screwed up enough to vote for John Kerry, he's washing his hands of it and moving to Idaho. Curiously, Bernice Z. Panama City, FL Dear Bernice, I keep hearing people saying that "if so-and-so wins, then I'm moving." That is just so silly! We've had lousy presidents before and we'll have lousy

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1096895741279035692004-10-04T05:56:00.000-07:002004-10-04T06:20:17.183-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I have a question about cussing. Why is it considered "OK" to use sound-alike words to take the Lord's name in vain. I have friends, particularly women friends, who use the following phrases as curses: "Jesus, Mary and Joseph" "Jiminy Crickets" "Jeeze Louise" "Jeepers Creepers" "Cheese and Crackers" "Johnny Carson" If we sin in our hearts, isn't it wrong to think about taking

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1096485514132830012004-09-29T11:58:00.000-07:002004-09-29T12:18:34.133-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am writing to ask for your help. I am a 3d grader at New Hope Christian School in White Rock, TN. I am home today because I was suspended from school in a totally unfair and stupid way. We have been studying Mexico in class this week, and all kinds of cool stuff like the Alamo, and Pancho Villa, and the Virgin Mary appearing on the face of a rock, and stuff like that. So

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1096303399131245712004-09-27T09:31:00.000-07:002004-09-27T09:43:19.130-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am a 39 year old mother of four and I am scared to death that John Kerry is going to win this election. I know the president is leading in the polls, but I still worry. What scares me is that I fear that this war business will distract voters from the really important issues like homosexual marriage, premarital sex, sex education, and stem cell research (which promotes

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1095079362787980932004-09-13T05:26:00.000-07:002004-09-13T05:42:42.786-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am a 7th grader, I have a simple question. How many genders are there? For people, I mean. My health teacher, who my dad says is a "flaming liberal," says there are two. But I say there are three -- male, female and gay. My friend Bruce says there are four, and that gay is really subdivided into "lesbian" (which is chick on chick) and "gay-guy" (which is gross). My

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1094440174838705982004-09-05T19:42:00.000-07:002004-09-05T20:09:34.863-07:00

Dear Ethylene, Labor Day signifies the coming of autumn, which always makes me sad. As the air gets cooler, a deep sense of foreboding comes over me. Soon leaves will die and fall off the trees. Later, the ground will freeze, draining green life from the remaining plants. By Christmas we will have seen our first snowfall, making survival that much more difficult for the little furry animals

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1093833771991857842004-08-29T18:43:00.000-07:002004-08-29T19:44:35.906-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I know that you are a delegate to the Republican convention. Will you be sharing your experiences as a delegate? I'm sure your readers have a million questions about it! For example, is New York as dirty and immoral as we've been told? What's wrong with David Letterman, anyway? Is it safe to ride the subways? Have you tried any Jewish food? What does Bob Dole look like in person?

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1093052857766460782004-08-20T18:41:00.000-07:002004-08-20T18:47:37.766-07:00

Dear Ethylene, My husband – let’s call him “Phil” – suffers from chronic sinusitis, which leaves him in a constant state of nasal distress. Phil takes decongestants, saline drops, and St. John's Wort, and we use a humidifier. Our Kleenex bill is ridiculous, but other than that we manage. There is one problem, however. Sometimes when he is talking to another person, Phil will exhale through

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1092669746850315132004-08-16T08:17:00.000-07:002004-08-16T08:24:18.766-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am a 34 year old lawyer at a small law firm in Columbia, Missouri, and something’s bothering me. It’s about body hair. When I was 15 I remember seeing a show about men who shave their back. I thought, well, duh, back hair is gross. Then when I was in college (at Duke), I started realizing that some of my male friends were shaving their chests too, or using Nair. Before I had a

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1092001311910636422004-08-08T14:36:00.000-07:002004-08-08T14:41:51.910-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I need some advice concerning “the talk.” You know, THE TALK. My son is 14, and I think it’s time. I vividly remember when my Daddy sat down and had “the talk” with me. I was 14 too, and Daddy had taken me on a cross-country trip to see America. I felt so special, because my Mom and my sister were left behind. Six weeks together, just Daddy and me. We had so much fun! We

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1091269158936085702004-07-31T03:12:00.000-07:002004-07-31T03:19:18.936-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I hate the summer because your columns are so infrequent during the summer. Sure, I can read other columnists or listen to my "Best of Paul Harvey" collection, but it's not really the same. Your homespun wisdom and babe-a-liciousness really rev my engines. Please bring back your thrice-weekly columns. Please? Your devoted fan, Jon Koktosen Dear Jon, Thank you so much for

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1090179107377996882004-07-18T12:23:00.000-07:002004-07-18T12:31:47.376-07:00

Dear Ethylene,   I wonder if any of your other readers share my concern about what I call the "gradual crudification of our society"?  We have come to accept the use of common vulgarities such as "pissed off," "crap," and "take a dump" in our every day language.  Years ago these expressions would have been considered scandalous, and would shame those who used them.  Nowadays discourteous teens

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1089641856368176032004-07-12T06:59:00.000-07:002004-07-12T07:20:31.636-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I read on the web that in Europe there is a company that provides alibis to people who want to cheat on their spouses. It started in Germany and is spreading across Europe like a fungus. I am sorry, but what is wrong with Europeans? Is it just their secularity that makes them this way? Why are morals and ethics so hard for these people? And don't tell me it's the language

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1088386385733579392004-06-27T18:18:00.000-07:002004-06-27T18:35:08.913-07:00

Dear Ethylene, Several weeks ago you printed your "Fourth of July Squirrel Pie" recipe (see Dear Ethylene, May 11), which we tried and loved! Here in Crabgrass, South Dakota, squirrel are plentiful, and they are just about the only thing we'll let Jared, our 7 year old, shoot. Consequently, we are knee deep in squirrel. Do you have any other favorite squirrel recipes to share? Sam Iyam Dear

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1087842787969258302004-06-21T11:29:00.000-07:002004-06-21T11:33:07.970-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I see you warn your readers of the dangers of “sciencism” and “reasonism.” How in the world can you denigrate science and reason? As the chair of the Physics Department here at Topeka College, I must object to the pejorative connotation you put on these words. We use the tools of science – like reason and empirical testing -- to understand the world around us. Reliance on

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1087154505296911752004-06-13T12:17:00.001-07:002004-06-13T12:29:38.923-07:00

Dear Ethylene, My husband and I belong to a book club. This week, one of the couples we don’t know very well – the Brentanos – selected “The DaVinci Code”. Now I was very excited when I heard about the selection because I knew that the book was a bestseller and involved religious history. Little did I know that it was just well-written blasphemy. Turns out this “novel” basically suggests

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1086617573889746882004-06-07T06:55:00.000-07:002004-06-12T18:07:28.170-07:00

Dear Ethylene, My husband and I have this ongoing argument about a very sensitive subject, and I'd like you to settle it for us. We are an average middle class white couple from Lonesome Pit, Nevada. As loyal Republican conservatives, we attended a fundraiser a few months ago where the featured speaker was Congressman J.C. Watts, a truly inspiring and surprisingly articulate man. On the way

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1086096482503375682004-06-01T06:19:00.000-07:002004-06-01T06:28:02.503-07:00

Dear Readers, As is my custom, during the summer months (Memorial Day to Labor Day), I will be publishing my column less frequently -- probably about once a week. As a mother of seven, I will be busier now that the children are out of school. My young ones will be at home with me, cross stitching for Jesus, and enjoying the oppressive Kansas summer. The older ones will be at bible camp all

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1085633899375893102004-05-26T21:35:00.000-07:002004-05-26T22:02:24.883-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I'll come right to the point. We're bringing the "Howard Stern Show" to Kansas City early next year, and we need some local talent to appear on the show when we're in town. You're exactly the kind of broad we need. If you're not familiar with my show, we usually have guests -- preferably hot chicks -- who either (a) will take off their clothes, (b) I can argue with, or (c) will

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1085408990423917282004-05-24T07:19:00.000-07:002004-05-24T07:29:50.423-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am worried sick about my 12 year old, whose head is being filled with all sorts of environmentalist drivel by his teacher. I say this because my son, Jared, has suddenly become obsessed with recycling. Up to now, Jared has been a normal boy. He plays football, fights with his brother, and shoots rats with his beebee gun. He’s always been a good student, and goes to Sunday

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1085268322884032612004-05-22T16:12:00.000-07:002004-05-22T16:25:22.883-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I need some help with money management. My credit card debt has been kind of creeping up on me these last three or four years, to the point where it’s starting to get serious. And the scary thing is, I don’t know why this has happened, because I do everything right financially. I only use my cards when I don’t have enough cash on me. I never pay for anything over the

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1085063526346606702004-05-20T07:26:00.000-07:002004-05-20T07:32:06.346-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I'm afraid I come to you today with a bit of a bruised male ego. You see, I’m suffering from an inferiority complex, because my wife makes a lot more money than I do. Hence, this letter. For the past 17 years, I have worked on the staff of our local PBS affiliate here in Burlington, Vermont. I also make a little money on the side with my silk screen t-shirt business, which I

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1084889628525209992004-05-18T07:04:00.000-07:002004-05-18T07:13:48.526-07:00

Dear Ethylene, My wife and I have been planning for our retirement for more than 10 years. Our plan is to sell our house, buy a hella-big RV, and cruise around Europe for a year. We both have lived our entire lives here in Peoria, Illinois. It has always been my wife’s dream to visit the great sites of Europe – the Acropolis, Stonehenge, the Eiffel Tower, EuroDisney, etc.. And I want to go

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1084755584133593502004-05-16T17:51:00.000-07:002004-05-16T18:09:16.396-07:00

Dear Ethylene, On behalf of the Kansas Chapter of the La Leche League, I want to commend you for promoting breastfeeding in your April 22, 2004 column. The health benefits of breastmilk for babies have been proven conclusively through clinical studies, and the psychological and emotional benefits for mother and child alike are equally clear. We believe that when public figures such as

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1084545209736446422004-05-14T06:58:00.000-07:002004-05-14T07:33:29.736-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am director of the 7th and 8th grade choir here at the Roy Cohn Middle School in Twin Falls, Idaho. I love your column and I need your help. It is always a challenge to motivate middle schoolers, and to pick musical pieces that will excite their interest. So this year I asked the children to suggest pieces from popular music that they might like to sing, with the hope of

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1084421277476940592004-05-12T21:00:00.000-07:002004-05-12T21:29:07.193-07:00

Dear Ethylene, You often write about your unpleasant encounters with celebrities. Have you ever had a pleasant encounter with someone famous? A Fan(ette) Dear Fanette, Oh heavens to Betsy yes! Not all celebrities are grumpypants! Many I’ve met have been very pleasant, in fact. A few years ago I had the pleasure of taking the annual “P.R.I.G. Cruise.” The P.R.I.G. Cruise is a 5-day trip

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1084292016806485372004-05-11T08:49:00.000-07:002004-05-11T09:16:08.453-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am not a Catholic, mainly because the Bible condemns their pagan ritual of worshipping idols. But there is one thing the Catholics have that I like, and that is confession. I need to confess something, and I want to confess to you. Like all Americans I am very upset by this Iraq torture business. But as the story goes on and on, I find myself much, much more upset by its

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1084135861195106532004-05-09T13:51:00.000-07:002004-05-09T13:55:32.640-07:00

Dear Ethylene, After 34 years of marriage, my husband is starting to drive me nuts. I don't know what to do about it, because he is the same person he ever was. But all of the sudden I just can't stand one of his longstanding habits. My husband doesn't really converse. Instead, he lectures, and he expects the listener to agree. Whenever someone disagrees with him (me included), he puts on

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1083931696223076672004-05-07T05:08:00.000-07:002004-05-07T05:12:44.263-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I need your help with 4th of July recipes. I chair the special events committee at the Grinders Crotch Assemblies of God Pentecostal Church here in Grinders Crotch, Kentucky. This 4th of July we are hosting a “Pro-War Day of Prayer and Celebration” in honor of our beleaguered and embattled Secretary of Defense, Donald Rumsfeld. And I just don’t know what to serve. I really,

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1083779201786126702004-05-05T10:46:00.000-07:002004-05-05T10:51:06.840-07:00

Dear Miss Ethylene, Permit me to introduce myself. My name is Sebastian (just, Sebastian), and I am a poet/novelist/playwright. Most of my work falls under a general rubric I call "offbeat Americana." I will come directly to the point. I want you. And by that I mean that I want to write about you. I have been reading your column for some time now and, frankly, I find you fascinating. You

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1083610173017209472004-05-03T11:49:00.000-07:002004-05-03T11:53:43.403-07:00

Dear Ethylene, This guy at my workplace is driving me, like, totally insane, in a harassment kind of way. I swear he goes out of his way to **** me off! I’m in tech support, and this yahoo is a clueless copy editor who works upstairs. His ignorance about computers is mind-boggling. Every day, he calls me with the same **** problem about email spam. OK, I admit that he does get a lot of

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-108325138380107052004-04-29T08:09:00.000-07:002004-04-29T08:16:20.046-07:00

Dear Ethylene, We at the American Psychological Association send annual warnings like this one to unlicensed therapists across the United States. State law requires that anyone who holds themselves out to the general public as a psychologist, psychiatrist, or trained psychotherapist, must be in possession of a valid state license for the practice of their profession. In Dr. Love, the Love

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1083164295816542512004-04-28T07:58:00.000-07:002004-04-28T08:02:30.966-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I don’t know if you answer questions from kids or not, but I admit it, I’m only 14. I’ve changed all the names of the people in this letter because if anyone knew this was me I would get like totally harassed for, like, ever. And probably get a swirly every day for a year, or something. Anyway, this girl I know at school is really, really pretty, and I think I kind of like her

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1083007197520124152004-04-26T12:19:00.000-07:002004-04-26T18:21:56.483-07:00

Dear Ethylene, You are an entertainer. Don’t you think that it was a travesty of justice that Jennifer Hudson was voted off of American Idol? I mean, first that little Clay person, and now this! I know you are white, but I love your column anyway. And since you are a sister and an expert on this kind of show business, I hope you will back me up when I say that that sister got the n****r

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1082907407117545302004-04-25T08:36:00.000-07:002004-04-25T08:40:58.606-07:00

Dear Ethylene, We get your column here in our prison paper, the “Leavenworth Tattler.” Lots of the guys in the population read it, and the guards too. We have an etiquette problem we’d like you to solve. Those of us in the “permanent population” – I’m in for felony murder (whoops!) and will be here for decades – have our own set of rules. We’re kind of like our own club. The rules are

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1082738504427428522004-04-23T09:41:00.000-07:002004-04-23T18:26:26.436-07:00

Dear Ethylene, This is a delicate subject, and I don’t mind if you decide to reply privately. Our oldest son, Thad, is 17 years old. Puberty has been difficult for him. His face broke out quite severely, he showers 5 times a day, and he has been very awkward with girls. We have spoken to him about drugs, and we don’t believe he is using drugs (thank God!). But the other day while I was

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1082652013299766502004-04-22T09:40:00.000-07:002004-04-22T11:58:50.030-07:00

Dear Ethylene, My wife is due with our first child in just over a week. We are very conflicted about whether to breastfeed or bottle feed. We trust your advice, and we know you had to make this decision seven times. What do you think? NewDad Dear NewDad, What do you mean "we are conflicted"? Each mother has to make this choice on her own. Some people say it all comes down to this

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1082564978300736522004-04-21T09:29:00.000-07:002004-04-21T12:20:12.483-07:00

Dear Ethlyene, Permit me to introduce myself. I am Curtis Rutherford, editor in chief of the new magazine called “Disciples.” We are a sort of conservative Christian version of “People,” focusing on the popular, hip side of the Christian right. Instead of dense articles about policy issues, Disciples features snappy, half-page profiles of good-looking young conservatives, like Sean Hannity.

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1082382865951234422004-04-19T07:05:00.000-07:002004-04-23T10:14:57.686-07:00

Dear Ethylene, Our 13-year old, Belinda, is a musical prodigy. She plays the piano, the oboe, and the accordion. But mostly she can sing and dance. We happen to live in Branson, MO, and Belinda recently won a children's talent contest at the Andy Williams theater. We got to meet Andy himself! (Unfortunately, Belinda did not know who he was, and was frightened by the enormous size of his

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1082342454343827032004-04-18T19:40:00.000-07:002004-04-19T07:39:16.686-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I know you don’t like to talk about politics in your column, but I am so mad I could just vomit! As a fellow heartlander, surely you share my growing alarm at the shabby way the Democraps, Klintonites and their fellow travelers in the liberal media are treating our president. They are savaging the man, just savaging him! He is truly a saint for putting up with it. I believe he

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1082212671109937992004-04-17T07:37:00.000-07:002004-04-17T07:46:13.513-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am at wit's end, and need your help. Our only child, Evan, has been a model child up to now. We have taken great pride in his development, having spent countless hours researching how we can help him thrive and grow. We have all the books: 'What to Expect When You're Expecting,' 'What To Expect from Your Toddler,' 'Dress Your Baby for Success,' and 'Terrible Twos? Not

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1082085738645203982004-04-15T20:22:00.000-07:002004-04-17T08:07:39.450-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am a 19 year old freshman at Bard College, in the Hudson Valley. It is 1:30am on a Saturday night, and my friends and I just found your column on the internet. I have got to tell you, it is probably the awesomest thing I have ever read. It is honest. It is true. It is honest. You seem to possess a wisdom that defiles time or place, a deep understanding of people of all

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1081883430198381932004-04-13T12:10:00.000-07:002004-04-13T12:14:25.640-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I need your advice. My family is addicted to this new television show, "The Apprentice." Until this year, the only things we watched on TV were "Touched By an Angel," that Dick Van Dyke doctor show, CMT, and Fox News. Now we live and breathe for "The Apprentice." Or, at least, my husband and kids do. Which brings to my problem. Not only do I not like the show, but I

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1081738567138148322004-04-11T19:56:00.000-07:002004-04-17T08:22:01.903-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I am a successful plastic surgeon in a small southern city. I do mostly chin jobs for men, lipo and breast enhancement for women. I vacation in the Carrribean and am the life of the party wherever I go, primarily because I am widely read, a great conversationalist, and have a delightful sense of humor. My problem is this. The other day I overheard a couple of guys at the

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1081725803638973572004-04-11T16:23:00.000-07:002004-04-11T20:05:17.750-07:00

Dear Ethylene, I wish you would bring your column back. It is a ray of light in a dark existence, a rainbow in an otherwise colorless world. fungobat Dear Fungo, Your request was so ... so ... so literary that I could not say no. I have decided to bring back "Dear Ethylene." I took the liberty of looking up the origin of your name, "fungobat". At first I thought that it was a breed of

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1072221110066666932003-12-24T09:32:00.000-08:002004-04-11T16:29:04.310-07:00

Dear Ethylene, My sister and I have not spoken in years. We grew up the best of friends -- inseparable really. As young adults we called each other every day, until "the break." The break happened shortly after I discovered the joys of being an Amway distributor. I wanted to share the Amway experience with my sis the way I had shared all of lifes other important and meaningful pleasures

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1072027570190611622003-12-21T09:26:00.000-08:002003-12-21T09:26:25.273-08:00

Dear Ethylene, I don't know about you, but I am sick and tired of these pretentious colleagues of mine. Every time we go out for a business dinner, they always want to go to some sort of foreign restaurant, where they all try to show off how familiar they are with the cuisine, and pretend to like it. You cannot tell me that any American really likes sushi. Or that disgusting Korean cabbage

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1071764087392971912003-12-18T08:14:00.000-08:002003-12-18T08:15:01.833-08:00

Dear Ethylene, I remember reading that you home-school your seven children, and that they often help you with your mail order business, selling Christian cross-stitched throw pillows. As a fan and an attorney, I wanted you to know that Kansas law prohibits putting children to work in any for-profit enterprise as part of the school day in a private school (even your own children in the family

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1071681013564028752003-12-17T09:10:00.000-08:002003-12-17T09:21:13.406-08:00

Dear Ethylene, My friends and I are all goths. We went to your 'Up With Farmers' show last year as a goof, and found it typically insipid. You should stop being so cheery. You should be more like Dorothy Parker or Sylvia Plath or one of those old writers who wasn't afraid to face the pain of living. They were smart and often funny, but not in the dishonest way you super-cheery

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1071594527981976362003-12-16T09:08:00.000-08:002003-12-16T09:09:01.973-08:00

Dear Ethylene, I need some holiday advice. I am a very prominent person in a southern college town. I am a native southerner, but lived much of my adult life in the warm bosom of our nation's heartland, only to return to my roots this past summer. During my years in the bosom of the wholesome prairie, my wife and I developed some Christmas traditions that will be difficult to maintain now

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1071523745995620632003-12-15T13:29:00.000-08:002003-12-15T17:28:43.570-08:00

Dear Ethylene, My wife and I are in need of your advice on a matter of child rearing. Even though we are both licensed child psychologists, we cannot seem to reach consensus on this issue. As the mother of seven home-schooled children, we thought you might bring a quaint yet "fresh" perspective to the issue. We don't normally have the television on during the day, but yesterday's events (the

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1071264085991526752003-12-12T13:21:00.000-08:002003-12-12T13:21:38.890-08:00

Dear Ethylene, I am 14 years old. Last year your musical show, 'Up With Farmers,' came to my school, Nancy Reagan Junior High, in Switchyard, Nevada. My friends and I thought you were hot, and a good singer too. We especially liked it when you sang "People Who Need People" under the big spotlight. You had that sundress on and you looked like an angel. A really hot angel. My question is

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1071161118245860372003-12-11T08:45:00.000-08:002003-12-11T09:24:48.210-08:00

Dear Ethylene, Our husbands are prominent African-American administrators at a major American university. I know from your column that you are a Christian. As part of our mission work for our church, we help disadvantaged youth in various ways. Anyway, one of the people we helped recently was a wayward college athlete who was being exploited by the white power structure of the university. It

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1071158955866888772003-12-11T08:09:00.000-08:002003-12-11T08:12:38.903-08:00

Dear Ethylene, Please settle an argument between my friend Sherilene and I. At adult Sunday school last week, the lay leader (pardon my language, but that's what he is called) suggested that the greatest and most inspirational person in the bible is Paul. My friend Sherilene agreed because Paul, as she put it, "puts the proper spin" on Jesus' words. I don't disagree, but I think Mary is the

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1070129378724273702003-11-29T10:09:00.000-08:002003-11-29T10:11:48.506-08:00

Dear Ethylene, I know you can help us with this one. Last month my wife Millie and I left our home in Loofah, TX for a trip to the Big Apple (New York City). We landed at the airport and a nice young man -- I thought he was Mexican but he turned out to be something else, I forget what -- steered us to the less expensive, unmarked taxis. He took us into Manhattan for only $50, which we

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6143409.post-1070079982727708922003-11-28T20:26:00.000-08:002003-11-29T09:57:18.126-08:00

Dear Ethylene, Please settle an argument. I’m setting up the house for a formal dinner party. My husband says we should have magazines in the bathroom. He says it’s polite, like when the doctor puts them in his office waiting room. I say it’s gross, because our guests will think that we think they’re constipated. Who’s right? Avid Reader Dear Avid, The preferred choice is not to have

Davidhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10073350969017952850noreply@blogger.com